Chia seeds. Inositol powder. Unsweetened almond milk. Frozen berry blend. Turmeric. Oat ‘yogurt.’ Beyond Meat. Dairy-free dessert bars. Prenatal vitamins. Alfalfa sprouts. Chickpea pasta. Apple cider vinegar. Sugar-free Kombucha. Unsalted cashews. What do these items have in common? Well, they stock the shelves of Whole Foods, one of my favourite health food stores. But to reduce them to a grocery list is too simple. They’re also all things that I use to manage my chronic hormone condition as I wait for modern medicine to come up with a cure.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. PCOS is one of the most common endocrine disorders among individuals of reproductive age and is the leading cause of infertility. It is characterized by excessive hair growth, cystic acne, and heavy periods. PCOS is associated with mental illness, fatigue, thinning hair, ovarian cysts, and irregular weight fluctuations. People with PCOS are also at an increased risk of developing conditions such as type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, sleep apnea, and endometrial cancer. In other words, PCOS is a painful, unpredictable, lifelong condition. PCOS is also a widely misunderstood condition. Many of its symptoms are invisible to others, and those affected are well-acquainted with the response that ‘it’s all in our head.’ Many doctors fail to recognize PCOS —it took me two years to get a formal diagnosis from an endocrinologist, after I finally pointed out to her the clearly visible cysts on my abdominal ultrasound. In those two years, I was told that everyone goes through what I was as a teenager and that I’ll grow out of it.

PCOS lacks a cure, or even a decent treatment plan. The leading treatment plan is to lose weight, as if symptoms will magically disappear once patients hit a magic number on the scale. As if PCOS isn’t one of, if not the, main contributor of their weight gain in the first place. In this, doctors recommend fixing a symptom in order to address the underlying problem. That just doesn’t make sense. Personally, my most enduring battle with PCOS has been that with hormonal acne. For years, I’ve searched for a way to relieve my painful, cystic acne to no avail. I’ve tried every cream on the market, been on Accutane twice, participated in clinical trials, and even cleaned my face at the suggestion of many dermatologists and classmates. Each time being as disappointed with the results as the last. PCOS has always felt like an imaginary bully with which I was powerless against.

Conceding the inherent mistreatment of anyone who does not ‘look healthy,’ and the lack of belief of any sort of pain felt by people with ovaries, I decided that I would accept my condition for what it is: incurable. Now, incurable, does not mean untreatable. I will never be free of PCOS in this lifetime, but I can do things to make my everyday life more bearable. Living with PCOS is a full time job. I drink apple cider vinegar (ick) before every meal, make a meal that prioritizes antioxidants, healthy greens, and complex carbs, avoid inflammatory foods, walk for at least 10 minutes after each meal, take an Inositol supplement every day, get bloodwork to test my fasting insulin levels, and meet with a naturopath once a month to go over treatment. When all of this feels overwhelming, I take a trip to my local Whole Foods and browse all the products that are designed to help people like me. I breathe a sigh of relief as I browse the fridges stocked full of dairy-free products, roam the aisles of supplements and teas, and peruse the produce free from hormone disrupting chemicals. In my visit, I wonder if any of the other customers are struggling with PCOS or some other chronic condition. Whole Foods makes me feel safe, because it reminds me of what I can control. Health food stores represent the possibility of a life free from pain, in which food can nourish me and nature can heal me. As I stand in front of a plethora of protein packed vegetable soups, the fight against my own body feels like one I can win.

Note: I understand that in many ways, my experience with PCOS is extremely privileged. People of colour have a long history with the medical system and would likely have had a different experience receiving a diagnosis. I understand that many people cannot afford to shop at stores like Whole Foods or visit the alternative doctors that I do. PCOS is a widely misunderstood and underrepresented condition, and I hope that one day all people impacted by it can live a meaningful life free from pain and discomfort.