Putting On Your Oxygen Mask
Header: Martha Steele
I woke up each morning during my teen years with a growing pit in my stomach. Anxiety radiated throughout my body to a point where a mere touch from my peers could send me into a state of hypervigilance. After explaining this feeling to my neighbour he looked at me and said, "I think you have boundary issues." What?
Yes, I hated saying no to people and was scared to speak up for myself, but… I could see where he was coming from. As the weight of his words crept in, I wrapped my arms around myself like a blanket while I digested his words, "Cass, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can start helping others." I didn't realize how hard breathing had become until I let that sink in.
Boundary issues wore many disguises in my life. They lurked beneath the surface, masquerading as burnout, resentment, or anxiety. I always knew that friendship took effort and required compromise, but the internal battle of prioritizing myself contributed to my constant discomfort. My greatest hurdle was my fear of saying no. When people made me uncomfortable, I endured it, and because I didn't speak up, I continued to stay in that state of discomfort. Learning to set boundaries in my relationships taught me to draw a line in the sand to separate where I end and where my relationship begins.
As children, we are told to keep our hands to ourselves. As we grow older, the concept of respecting others' personal space evolves into the notion of consent. From a young age, we are taught to respect others' personal space, privacy, time, and intimacy in relationships and with other individuals. Whether or not I am okay with someone hugging or kissing me ultimately depends on the individual. Just because I am okay with one gesture does not mean I am comfortable with the other. When we allow others to compromise our boundaries without communicating our discomfort, we inadvertently express that crossing our boundaries is acceptable. Our inability to communicate our unease sends the dangerous message that our limits are variable and that others can disregard them without consequences.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is learn how to set boundaries. Saying no to others to protect my well-being made me feel so selfish. What took me so long to realize was that setting boundaries didn't make me selfish; they were crucial to protecting my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Admittedly, while I struggled with setting boundaries in my teen years, I ended up in situations I didn't want to be in and was scared to leave. An important lesson I learned about boundaries is that my fears often lack factual basis. In my head, I had feared that people would like me less if I said no. I failed to consider that people would enjoy my company more if I didn't put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable. My fear of boundaries was symbiotic with my fear of confrontation. Being afraid to set boundaries in my relationship was a result of my fear of confronting those who violated my boundaries, and my fear of confrontation made me avoid setting boundaries in the first place.
Growing up, there was a societal expectation of what it meant to be feminine. We learned at an early age that women were sometimes given different opportunities than men. For too long, women were generalized as submissive and polite and that they should prioritize the needs of others. Being assertive and communicative was viewed as confrontational and judgemental. The thought of sending someone a paragraph expressing my feelings made my stomach drop. I became avoidant, which was easy to do when you bounced around schools and moved across the country. Constantly being the new kid made me long for stability, making me cling to relationships where I knew I was growing sideways, away from the other party. My lack of control over where I lived and went to school made me believe that confrontation was futile and that my say didn't matter.
As I have grown up, I have gained autonomy over where I live. I have control over where I work and what relationships I invest in. I have learned that it is not my job to save people, nor is it my job to fix them. If I don't like how someone is acting towards me or if they are not respecting my boundaries, it is within my right to remove that person from my life. If this is someone you have a relationship with, whether it be family, partner, or friend, you should communicate how that person's lack of respect for your boundaries made you feel. Setting boundaries means communicating our wants and needs, not ghosting others without explanation (unless this person is rude, disrespectful, or made you feel unsafe/ uncomfortable; ghost them). Let others know when your boundaries are not respected to educate them on how their actions make others feel.
My reluctance towards setting boundaries stemmed from my fear of shifting the friendship's dynamic. When we lack boundaries, the people we are in relationships with can encroach on the line that separates our individuality and the relationship. By setting firm boundaries, others cannot exploit our passiveness. Implementing healthy boundaries in relationships helps us prevent untoward advances and show others that we are authentic, empowered, and trustworthy.
