As a 21st century, slightly egotistical, taurus woman, I often have a hard time grasping the gravity of many situations. And with that comes the downward spiral of denying that certain circumstances affect me as deeply as they should. While this is most definitely a personal problem, I simply must talk about my life (…it’s probably the ego thing).

Pain is generally a secondary feeling for me. Thus, I tend to experience the five stages of grief disconnectedly, ultimately prolonging my journey to acceptance, so much so that many pivotal situations turn foggy. My poor memory, accompanied by my excessively long healing process push me to forget many details. This experience, so fundamental to my everyday existence, leads me to wonder: does time really heal all wounds, or do we naturally begin to remember situations differently, inherently changing our feelings towards them?

Although my opinion may be the lesser agreed upon, I believe one’s memory deteriorates just enough to make the circumstances favorable to them. While still being a combination of both, as time passes, we as humans often forget specific actions and words, and simply remember how we felt at that point in time; which leaves a wide berth for imagination and storytelling.

My best friend brutally cut me off a couple of years ago. They left me high and dry when I needed them and rejected my reaching out repeatedly after the matter. 

At least that’s how my brain chooses to remember it. 

However, this is not necessarily the truth. The fact of the matter is, I was (most probably) not the nicest, and while I’m not saying I was in the wrong, they were most definitely not either. Over time, my brain has altered and dramatized the story, which ultimately helped me accept and move past the situation. The years gone by helped me come to terms with it as well, but my (not so) slight edits of the story made me feel much less shitty.

Similarly, the remanence of truth behind failed relationships is generally slim. There is a tendency for both parties to subconsciously remold the events in their respective favors; with each individual’s plot line differing slightly from the truth. Although this is customarily looked down upon, I cannot blame anyone involved. The brain naturally reshapes painful situations in order to recover rather than wallowing in sorrow—remaining a forlorn figure abandoned after the disaster.

With that being said, the opposite occurs for good memories. Because the bad situations are mitigated, the good memories become intensified in thought. The bad is remembered as mediocrely average, and the good is remembered as groundbreakingly great.

This flawed cycle, in combination with the passing of time, creates a graveyard of magnified good memories and diluted bad ones – all gone but never fully forgotten. And while I do understand that my evidently skewed memories of every past situation is not necessarily okay, I must say that it really does aid my healing by a million. Never mind the hurt I experienced by some, they are all remembered in a good light due to this thought process—recalling them by the groundbreakingly great memories, rather than the mediocrely average. Remains of past lovers and friends stay with me. I still double toast my bagels because of my first love, hit the passenger when driving past yellow cars because of my high school morning buddy and only think of my ex-best friend when Luke Combs utters the words “Beautiful Crazy” through my phone speaker. And while these intangible souvenirs may be painful to some, my selective and poor memory allows me to see the beauty behind loss, and embrace the impact others had on me.

Header by: Valerie Letts