Why I’m Secretly 70 Years Old
…And why you should be too
Illustration: Sydney Hanson
My birth certificate says 2006, but I’m not entirely sure that’s correct. I’m joking, but anybody who knows me would agree – I act like an elderly woman a lot of the time. For one, I am in bed by 11:00 p.m. after reading a book and drinking tea. I need at least nine hours of sleep to function, and I mentally clutch my pearls at the sight of a vape. When I’m invited to parties, I must hide my horror at its start time (10 at night!?) and pregame with a coffee. What I’m trying to say is, I’m lame. Very lame. And at a university like Queen’s, I feel like I stand out.
Despite my untold joy at doing the New York Times crossword before my pre-midnight bedtime. I often feel disconnected from my peers. Since I was a kid, I have been lauded by adults for my “old soul” and “maturity” (code words for weird and boring, in my opinion, but I like it that way). I feel like an old woman sitting on her porch when I look at people my age; oh, to be so young! To have so much energy! Enjoy it while it lasts! I wish I could knit as I say these things. If I knew how to, I would, though I think that would make me even more of an old lady caricature. Looking at my peers, I want to ask them how they do it. Where does the energy come from? How do you not have to sneak a look at Urban Dictionary every time you hear a word you don’t recognize? If someone wrote books on how to be a teenager, I’d be their top customer.
On the other hand, despite the feeling of being a grey sheep, as it were, I think I’m happier this way, and I think more people are like me than it seems. According to a study by Carnegie Mellon University, young adults are drinking less overall. I’ve seen it, too. Maybe we’ve realized being stereotypical young people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. However, we still do some questionable things (engineers, I’m looking at you). That’s never going away. Despite that, I’ve met more people like me since coming to university, which makes me wonder if all my waxing poetic about being so different isn’t actually that unique. Perhaps I am just more up-front about it.
I think we should all embrace our inner geriatric a bit more. Bake some bread, sleep early, and do a sudoku puzzle. Go crazy. Do what makes you happy. For me, that’s living my best old lady life, and I hope you’ll join me. Don’t knock it before you try it.