I think it is safe to claim that we all have been involved in some variation of the “you are too good for them” conversation. Whether it be providing advice or receiving it, a friendship or ex, the classic trope of one friend consoling another is a pervasive phenomenon. Having begged a friend not to go back to their ‘forbidden person’ and having friends begging me not to do the same, the aftermath does not often change . The person goes back to their ex, or lets a friend back into their lives and everyone around them disapproves. 

The universality of this outcome is almost amusing because with each piece of advice being given, the argument is strengthened, yet the inevitability of them disregarding everything that was just said becomes more obvious. No matter how much your friend tries to make you see how ill-suited for you this person is, emotions override rationality and for various reasons, we allow them to re-enter our lives. It is as if the “they are too good for you” conversation never even happened.

The problem is that the conversation did happen. Your friend spent hours of emotional energy trying to convince you not to do exactly what you did. To an observer, it was as though you listened to your friend, heard their valid points, and then disregarded it entirely. Considering your friend is likely right and the person of interest is likely not great for you, their advice is probably warranted. Therefore, it seems as though your only reason for going back to the ‘forbidden person’ is because you do not trust what your friend has to say. The advice giver ultimately just ends up frustrated that their credibility is not sufficient to sway the advice recipient’s decision. Even if this is the case, in my experience, it creates an awkward cloud of disapproval from all parties. 

The obvious resolution would be to trust what your friend has to say and not go back to them; however, from personal experience, that is rarely what we choose to do. For the sake of this article, if we grant that we are likely to take the toxic ex or friend back, I think the purpose of this conversation changes. For obvious reasons, we want to see our friends surround themselves with positive people who reciprocate their respect, love, and talent. Our reactions to ‘forbidden people’ are often implying that taking them back is essentially accepting a diminished self-worth. Regardless of whether a lack of self-worth is involved, this is a fairly harsh implication and one that is probably going to prompt a defensive response. From all of our own experiences, we are all likely aware of the rift that can be caused by the “they are too good for you” conversation.

Now, I am not saying this advice is not valuable, but only that upon giving it, we should acknowledge that if the person does not abide by it, it is not a reflection of their lack of trust in you, but rather that they have yet to see the situation as an external (and usually more objective) observer would. Even if it does not change the immediate outcome, you are expressing your concern for a friend’s wellbeing which is rarely a bad thing—as long as we recognize this advice is not legally binding and recognize the difference in perspective that an outsider has. The person involved in the dubious relationship needs to realize for themselves whether the relationship is something they value and would like to continue. No amount of slandering the ex will convince them; it will only create conflict.

Instead, it means having the foresight to understand that the one receiving the advice will likely not listen, but that this does not mean they do not respect what you have to say. So tell your friends that “they are too good for you,” but acknowledge that they need to decide for themselves how to proceed, no matter how painful the consequences are.

Header by: Sadie Levine