Since the dawn of time (my birth), I have very much been considered a “shy” kid. My family still laughs at the fact that my kindergarten teacher asked my mother if I was mute after my first day - I, in fact, was not. Just incredibly shy.

Over the years, I sort of hoped that the shyness would just be a childhood thing that would eventually wash away to reveal the extrovert I always knew I was. Well, spoiler alert: that literally never happened. 

Sure, I’ve become less shy and much more capable in social situations with time (there has yet to be another mute accusation). Still, it became evident that being shy was just going to have to be a staple of who I was. And because I know you all desperately crave my opinion, I’m here to tell you: that’s okay. 

When I first got to high school, I was so excited about all the new friends I was going to make. I also had to come to the realization that:

1. Everyone wasn’t going to immediately want to be friends with me, and

2. I wasn’t going to meet someone and immediately become best friends.

So, it took me quite a few months into grade 8 to make a solid friend group. It was a lot of trial and error, and certainly a lot of pushing myself out of my comfort zone, because I knew it would benefit me in the long run. And here I stand today, with some of my closest best friends being from that grade 8 friend group. Despite this, and especially during COVID, I found that I still liked to be on my own. Obviously I didn’t enjoy the fact that the pandemic was separating us from family and friends and teenage life in general, but I was starting to realize that I was most content when sitting in my own company most times. My favourite past-time became talking walks with headphones in, listening to music, and I must have baked about 100 different things during 2020 alone. Then, in a rainy November quarantine-fueled boredom, I decided to binge-watch all of the Twilight movies in chronological order. Yes, along with my god-given shyness, I was apparently also given the ability to make terrible decisions about what to do with a free day. 

Nonetheless, the main character of Twilight - Bella Swan - delivered a line in the first movie that stuck with me. 

“I don’t really mind being alone. I guess I’m like my dad in that way.” 

This got me thinking about my own father, which caused me to connect the dots and realize that I inherited this shyness from him. My dad is quite literally the smartest person I know, and is usually the smartest person in most of the rooms he walks into. And yet, he is usually the most silent person around and as much as he would hate to admit, he definitely loves an Irish goodbye. This quote from a fragile, pale-faced Kristen Stewart genuinely struck me, because I related to it so much. I really didn’t mind being alone. Apparently, just like my dad. This wasn’t to say that I preferred being alone than to being with loved ones, it just meant that being alone was something I usually welcomed, and I would never be opposed to a night by myself in bed. So, thanks to the deeply questionable writing choices of a certain character in Twilight, I kind of accepted that I liked being alone more than others did. Until, of course, I got to university and realized just how double-edged this sword was. 

I did not make a ton of friends when I first got to Queen’s. First year me could count on one hand the amount of people she had met and became friends with by the end of the year. I kept telling myself that I had it figured out, and that I had always liked being alone - that this was just how I was. And while that was true, I didn’t realize that being alone and feeling lonely are two separate things. I would find myself sitting in my room, staring at my laptop, wondering how I’ve managed to make it through all of Netflixs’ catalogue, and what else I was going to do with my Sunday afternoon. I kept trying to convince myself that this was something I liked; something I was used to. But I slowly realized that I only liked being alone when I actually wanted to be alone. The endemic loneliness that university life caused made me wonder if I had been wrong all those years. These feelings continued all throughout first year and yes, through second year, and I’m sure they will continue through third and fourth. What I am glad I know now is that feeling lonely isn’t a nuanced concept, and that it is okay to talk about it with someone. Friends, family, and any other loved ones in your life will be willing to talk through it and help you if you don’t want to feel lonely anymore. And if not, mental health professionals will, and trust me when I say there is nothing weak about seeking professional help. If anything, it makes you stronger. It is also important to know that loneliness can take many different forms. In my life I have known people with 2 friends and people with 200 friends, both of whom can feel equally lonely. 

Here, I would like to reference another lonely girl in the Bella Swan personality type club: Sex Education’s Meave Wiley. If you don’t remember Maeve, I can jog your memory: Maeve is the angsty loner of Moordale High and gets tasked with writing an essay about what she wants her life to look like in 10 years time. Maeve writes that she wants to live in a house with big windows and a table with four chairs, so that she has a way to be protected from the world while still watching it go by. Her teacher then gives her the advice that she has the capacity to dream bigger than a table and four chairs. I want you to remember this piece of advice. I can’t promise that loneliness will ever go away. Even at their age, I know my Grandmother and Grandfather still get lonely. But, I know that every single person reading this can dream bigger than spending the rest of their life feeling lonely. So please, remember, there is nothing wrong with liking your alone time. I encourage it, in fact. But don’t ever let loneliness overcome you and dull the bright shine I know you have. Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to mental health professionals, just know that someone is always there for you if you need them, and that I am living proof of that fact. And if you’re ever looking for something to do on a lonesome Sunday afternoon, boy do I have the movie series for you.