The need to have everything figured out is intrinsic to my being. No matter how many times I remind myself that I’m never really in control, I can still be caught eating the same thing for breakfast every morning, searching for the same seat at the library, and ordering the same iced chai latte whenever the temperature dips below 20 degrees. I find comfort in my routine and would consider myself a creature of habit. This is unfortunately accompanied by a side effect of dread every time something ends, whether that be a job, a school year, or even a T.V show. Although I can recognize that adapting to change is necessary in order to welcome new experiences into my life, I’m met with hesitation when I try to accept the thought of letting go of anything that comforts me. 

 The past 2 years have brought with it more change and uncertainty than I, or anyone for that matter, could have predicted. If not for the routine I kept during that time, I most likely would have gone crazy. There is comfort in monotonous tasks and knowing exactly how the story ends. Except for the fact that it doesn’t make a very good story. The part that I’m seemingly evading when I brand myself a creature of habit, is that I try to not let my need for a routine close myself off from opportunities or experiences that have the potential to broaden the scope of my happiness. Striking a balance between doing what brings me comfort, and attempting to step outside of that comfort zone, is exactly how my day to day operates. 

I’ve gone back and forth with myself about why I am the way I am; why I need to have everything figured out and why I need to be in control of every moment, no matter how fleeting I know it is. Deep down, there’s a strong part of me that tries to resist the thought of everything I know at this present moment being gone one day. As inevitable as it is, change is uncomfortable. It begs to ask if anything I do genuinely matters in the grand scheme of my life. This question haunts me on a daily basis, but as my roommate habitually reminds me, of course what I do matters. The people I meet, the things I create, and the words I write all leave an impact on someone or something, but that’s only accomplished by accepting that there is an end to everything. And consequently, there is a beginning too. 

My past summer job is a perfect anecdote for this lesson. While I routinely hit snooze on my 7 A.M alarm for 5 days of the week and complained to anyone who would listen about the mind numbing tasks I was assigned, without fail, I still cried on my last day. I don’t attribute the tears to missing the work itself, or the sound of my alarm for that matter, but rather the routine that the work brought with it. There is no world where I would want to spend my life at the same job or living in the same place, but I think my routine will follow me wherever I go. The little bit of contentment I can bring to my life through habit makes me who I am. Maybe there’s a small part of me that’s curious to discover who I am without it, but I’m too stubborn to try. 

Comfort in friendships is something that I’m so accustomed to that it almost feels like second nature. Being secure in my close knit group of friends for the better part of my life has given me the confidence to venture outside of my personal interests. These friendships encourage me to do things that I normally wouldn’t jump at the thought of, especially if they fell out of line with my routine. They’ve shown me what it means to take pride in the things that bring me joy but they’ve also taught me to never limit myself to a specific person, place, or time. The reminder that you cannot base your emotions on the thought of something staying the same way forever is a cheesy one at best, but remains nonetheless, true. Relationships, in any form, are made even more difficult by the expectation that I set for people to think and act in ways that never change. The need for a routine transcends so many aspects of my life and is about more than just to-do lists and coffee orders. It keeps me in a place where I want to change, yet I don’t want the things around me to. It’s taken me a long time to realize that the things that are out of my control are just that - out of my control. Whether I deem myself a control freak or just someone who’s extremely nostalgic for the way that things once were, there’s no denying that I crave security in places that I know can’t give me it, and that being secure in myself should always be a priority. 

At the center of my beliefs, I know that not every action has to be done with purposeful intent and how important it is to just let things run their course. Sometimes there is no explanation for the way that things happen, and no amount of worrying about staying true to a routine will change that. Employing this lesson throughout my life is much more difficult than simply understanding it, which is why I think it’s more of a lifelong journey than anything else. That doesn’t mean that the day to day things don’t matter - rather, the contrary. Making a conscious effort to change my attitude towards little things like plans falling through or things ending is necessary if there’s any hope in accepting the bigger things that I can’t change. 

Even though there’s a lot of difficult things that being a habitual person brings to my life, being accountable and sticking to things is a part of my character that I’m especially proud of. Accountability is something that I admire, and there’s a special place in my heart for people who communicate when they can’t follow through with what they promised. I usually attribute these things to my Virgo placement, but I (secretly) admit that it probably has a lot more to do with the nature of where my priorities are at.

I embrace being a creature of habit in its entirety, even with all of its difficulties, or at least until I get sick of iced chai lattes. 

Illustration By: Valerie Letts