Redemption shirt
This piece has a content warning of sexual assault and sexual harassment.
You wear a piece of clothing. Something bad happens to you. The piece is now a constant reminder of that fateful night.
When reeling from something like sexual harassment, so much feels out of my control. I cannot control whether I see the people who harassed me, I cannot control that I feel ugly every time I go out, I cannot control whether or not I’ll cry at the bar. Sometimes it seems that the only thing I can control is whether I wear that shirt or not.
What to do with this piece of fabric is a controversial topic. I know people who may keep it hidden away in the bottom of a drawer, some who may lend it to a friend indefinitely, and others who may throw it out entirely. Personally, I believe in the redemptive power of such forsaken items.
Unfortunately, this is not merely one piece of clothing to avoid. My closet is an immortalization of every bad thing that has happened to me. When I was sexually harassed, I was wearing a black tank top and my favourite blue jeans; when I was sexually assaulted, I was wearing a pink lace shirt and black jeans. My closet is riddled with break up outfits and makeup outfits, with the sweater I wore when my closest friendship ended, and the t-shirt I wore when I experienced death for the first time. My closet is also full of the items I hold onto for friends when that is the singular thing I can do to lessen their burden.
Society’s understanding of sexual harassment has both progressed and regressed. In the wake of the #MeToo movement, it is becoming increasingly known that it is unacceptable to offer someone a promotion in exchange for sexual favors or derive a correlation between their competency and their gender. Former employees have come out against their abusers and had them removed from positions of power. This is no easy feat. Many people who come out against sexual harassment are met with hate and violence, and many abusers still hold power in society. Regardless of the outcome, the awareness of this issue has molded our understanding of sexual harassment; in this development, we have forgotten that sexual harassment exists beyond the workplace. It is an issue that permeates our personal and professional spheres alike.
The dictionary definition of sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature in the workplace or learning environment. In both society and our lexicon, sexual harassment is something that happens in a professional setting. In reality, the trauma of being sexually harassed doesn’t care whether it happened in a classroom or a bedroom.
I have watched people smile and laugh while others have made lewd comments about what it would be like to have sex with them. I have smiled and laughed while others have made lewd comments about what it would be like to have sex with me. “You know that was sexual harassment, right?” is a term that I have been on both the giving and receiving end of, and neither feels good. Our perception of what is and is not harassment is too intricately tied to what can be tried in a court of law and what violates a contractual obligation. Our perception of what is and is not harassment overlooks instances because we are friends, or because we were at a party, or because that is simply how people in university talk.
For months after I was sexually harassed, the few friends that I was able to tell with only moderate embarrassment and I referred to it as ‘that really bad thing that happened in January.’ It took months for me to tell my therapist, who promptly labeled it as what it was: sexual harassment.
Everytime I wear a black tank top and blue jeans, I am reminded just how prevalent sexual harassment is; I am reminded that it is not just me that carries the shame and loathing that are the byproducts, but many of my friends as well. Every time I reach for a piece of clothing and flinch, I wonder how long it will take before my entire closet is unwearable.
While I cannot undo what has been done to me, I can take control over the not-so-little things. While it may take time and heartache, I can learn to wear clothes again. I can redeem the outfit.
With each wear, I am able to slowly gain back the autonomy that was taken from me. With each wear, I begin to replace the traumatic memories with better ones. With each wear, the burden that I carry becomes a bit lighter. With each wear, I am reminded that my clothes were not the ones who sexually harassed me. Only the people who sexually harassed me did that.
Header: Valerie Letts
