I Thought Love Was A Person

Illustration by Baran Forootan.

“She fell in love with every guy she ever dated. Whether they were smart or stupid or sweet or cruel, it didn't matter. She didn't like to be alone.”

I was 16 when I first heard Rue’s depiction of Cassie in Euphoria. It was the first time I saw myself in a character on screen. It felt as though Rue might have been describing me. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved love. Poetry, rom-coms, love letters, anything that fed into this heated passion. I yearned for the love I absorbed in the media so intensely that I feared I might never be loved. So much so that I did everything in my power to maintain romantic relationships, even if the cons outweighed the pros. 

Who I consider my first love, did not reciprocate how I felt towards him. He was my childhood best friend and he carried me through the trenches of my childhood. My family struggled financially and my parents' relationship wasn’t great either but when we were together, the stress of my home life seemed to go away. He was my biggest supporter and I was his. My parents couldn’t afford to let me play sports so he took the time to teach me how to play soccer and to this day, I hold a special place in my heart for that sport. 

When my parents forgot to pick me up,  he stayed an extra 3 hours with me at school so I wouldn’t be alone. He was soft with his words and gentle with his touch when my heart ached being forgotten about. When  I was teased for being shy, he stood up for me. He got beat up by my bullies and instead of helping him care for his wounds, I walked away because I thought he’d resent me for letting my problems harm him but the next day he sat with me on the bus. He squeezed me and apologized for not jumping in sooner, and told me that he’d always be there for me. 

He is one of the reasons I know what love is, even though his feelings for me were platonic while mine were romantic. I consider him my first love because of how I felt around him. He made me feel safe, protected from harm and pushed me to thrive in what made me, me. Whether it was writing, soccer, or in the loneliness of my home. 

For a while, I looked for him through everyone I dated because he was what I wanted in someone. 

It took over the course of four relationships in six years to understand that that love I looked for didn’t mean I also needed to accept wandering eyes and cutting words.

It’s not as though love never existed in my past relationships. I can confidently say that at times, it did. It existed in the forms of domestic disputes over who made who miss the exit, spotting your partner in the crowd at your soccer games, or dancing in silence in the kitchen for the fun of it. What I learnt after all those relationships was that the love I desperately searched for didn’t only depend on a romantic partner to fulfil that void. 

I realised I found that same love in my roommate who’d offer me Thai tea before even making herself any, a peer who uplifted my spirit during group evaluation when I had the lowest mark, and a makeup artist who called me beautiful at my first photoshoot as a model when I felt insecure. I found this love in my parents through the arguments and fogginess of my childhood when I’d wake up to cut-up fruit on my nightstand. Most shockingly, I found this love in me. 

I believe there are many forms of love, but to me, love is gentle, it isn’t aggressive. Love can look like your father helping you with math at the dinner table, and isn’t always easy or simple, it’s complex. What I value about love is that it’s a choice. You can look at your friend, partner, parent, etc, see their flaws, understand that tomorrow isn’t promised and still choose them. It's beautiful to think that there are people out there fighting through hell, but still find comfort in their partners. Not because it's familiar but because love overcomes their conflicts.

What I know now, being almost twenty and still having more love to experience, is that my fear of never being loved did not stem externally, it came from within. 

I loved everyone more than I have ever loved myself and I believe this is why a lot of my heart breaks hurt as much as it did. I wanted to find someone who I loved whole heartedly, instead of giving myself that love.

I was always destined to be loved because I chose myself. And that’s exactly what I would tell my sixteen year old self.