Me & My Friends (And Their Boyfriends)
No chance I waste my 20s on random men
Illustration: Sydney Hanson
When it comes to the value of relationships, there’s an unspoken yet widely accepted hierarchy. The order goes as follows: Placed at the bottom are mutual friends and acquaintances you only slightly know and rarely interact with. Following are the friends you keep in touch with occasionally, perhaps through a quick coffee or a few texts. Next up is your close circle of friends and family you see regularly and know inside out. Ultimately, topping off this abstract hierarchy are romantic partners, the gold standard of relationships. The value of romantic love is persistently drilled into our minds. We’re told stories about soulmates through the movies we watch and romantic love stars in the books we read. Growing up, my favourite movie that emphasized the value of romantic love was “High School Musical.” At the ripe age of seven, I was already dreaming about my high school sweetheart. Someone to walk down the halls with, someone to carry my books, someone to kiss in front of my locker before class. But when I did eventually get to high school and started having romantic relationships of my own, the façade of fairytale young love shattered. Boyfriends were fun and exciting but never measured up to the platonic connections I had with my girlfriends. Since coming to this reality, I’ve continued to be baffled by the hierarchy in which we still value relationships.
I've collected female friendships enthusiastically throughout my life, holding onto them as my prized possessions. Although I’ve lost touch with some girlfriends and outgrown others, each connection has added its own respective value to my life, regardless of whether it was constant or fleeting. My female friendships naturally fluctuate around our ever-changing lives, never falling stagnant. In my experience, events that impact friendship dynamics include different schools, newfound distance, personal growth, and changing interests. However, as I’ve gotten older, a new friendship-altering factor has been introduced into the lives of my friends and I: the long-term romantic relationship.
As someone who’s been notably single for all of university, from an outside perspective, I’ve noticed the impact significant others have on pre-existing friendships. With the number of my friends in serious relationships rapidly increasing as I grow up, these shifts in dynamics have become more apparent. When my best friend of over a decade got into their first serious relationship in our initial year of university, it was a tough pill for me to swallow. I used to be the one she would immediately text when she found out new news or gossip, and now a boy was intruding on that role. Having treasured my close female friendships for so long, I began to wonder why it’s typical for someone you met six months ago to take priority over your friends of multiple years just because you’re dating.
Although hypocritical, I’m also guilty of putting boys before my long-term friendships. I, too, have been swept away by dreaded situationships and brief romances that cause me to reach out less and find ways to insert the new man’s name into all my conversations. When you're romantically involved with someone new, pre-existing relationships will inevitably change to make room for this addition. But I don’t think the change needs to be sudden or drastic, and I definitely don’t believe that cuts to the friendship roster should be made. Ironically, when the romantic affair ends in tears and curse words, the friends you’ve pushed aside to make room for this new person are the ones you want to surround yourself with the most.
Due to rom-coms, romance novels and some of my closest friends’ perpetuating the unquestioned relationship hierarchy, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in the last few years feeling like I was missing out on tier-one love. While developing this “why not me” mindset, I found myself underappreciating the abundance of platonic love I was, and still am, surrounded by. Although I can assume the decision to leave the bar early is made easier when you’re leaving with someone you love, the decision to stay is made simple when I’m surrounded by my amusing girlfriends, who can make any situation enjoyable.
The balance between friendships and romantic love is complex, and I do not claim to have cracked the code. But I do know that the women in my life rarely disappoint me. They amaze me with their passion and grace. They are forgiving, almost to a fault, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, endlessly searching for the good in people, even those who don’t deserve a glance. They are emotional in an intelligent way. They know how they feel and can articulate it wisely. They are a safe space to laugh, cry or scream. No shame is felt in our bedrooms, living rooms or kitchens. So naturally, it would take a lot for me to override their place as number one in my own relationship hierarchy.
“When you’re looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably already have an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind.” – Dolly Alderton