RECKLESS WALKING
Illustration by Sydney Hanson
I have a secret pleasure...
I feel most in control when walking down a sidewalk with my eyes closed...
Although this hobby may seem reckless, dangerous, and probably looks silly to any onlookers, I love eliminating my vision and perceiving the world through my other four senses. When my eyes are open, I am absorbing a million aspects of my surroundings every second. I can see trees, cars, and sidewalk cracks that, contrary to the nostalgic rhyme, will not break your father's back. Walking with my eyes closed, I indulge in different marvels experienced by my other four senses. The warmth projected onto my skin by the sun, the whispers of air skimming my ears, and the smell of the outdoors that you can't find inside. In our everyday lives, we appreciate stimulations in all forms, but briefly eliminating my sense of sight and seeing where I frolicked gives me a momentary feeling of autonomy. So often, I get consumed by the thoughts swarming my brain. I move on autopilot, with one foot following the other, but I appreciate it more without looking at what's in front of me.
When I close my eyes, I can only walk about ten paces with my eyes shut. No matter how far I look ahead before shutting my eyes, I never know when something will come out of nowhere and flip my world on its axis. Walking with my eyes closed is one of the rare moments when I forfeit all attempts to manage my environment. My brain devotes too much energy to overthinking, planning for worst-case scenarios, and hoping, yearning for a single moment of control. Unfortunately, as far as my thoughts and feelings are concerned, control is an unrealistic attainment. I am striving to relieve myself from the understanding that autonomy is a peacekeeper when, in reality, it is an intangible concept. I want to break my fear of taking more than ten blind paces. I must accept that some things are out of my control, which is okay. It’s okay to walk into situations and not know what comes next. Many of my thoughts stem from my fear of hurting others. I am constantly at war with my mind and constantly feel like the losing party. I hoped that by eliminating my surroundings, I could create a moment of control—a peace settlement to end the long-standing battle between peace and anxiety threatening to consume me.
Unfortunately, I can’t skip over feelings like I can’t skip a page in a book. I have to internalize each word, each character, and all the chapters of my life. Life is filled with moments we wish could last forever and others that make us wonder when it will end. We aren’t always going to hear things we wish to; we will experience anger, sadness, and love. Words can make us laugh, cry, and maybe even scowl. We endure darkness to appreciate the light. It’s hard to open your eyes when you know everything can change on the next page. I can close my eyes to things I don’t want to see, but unfortunately, I cannot close my heart to things I don’t want to feel. When you read each word, line-by-line, paying attention to and ingesting the words, you’ll find that some moments make us appreciate all the highs and lows. By closing my eyes, I get to escape some of the moments I perceive as daunting, however, I will never get to know all the beauty I am missing.
Our life is a collection of all our stories, so although taking ten paces without perceiving the world around me feels good, there is still too much world I hope to see.
