It allbegan with two pink lines. I remember the moment to this day; it was a sunnyFriday afternoon, on June 16th, 2017, and my world turned upside down. I hadnever seen such bold pink lines. I scrambled for the instructions in disbeliefthat it was true, but it was. I was pregnant.

Somany questions raced through my mind: How did this happen? I thought we werecareful? What am I going to do? What about school? What about my future?.  I always dreamed of going to Queens, yet hereI was, finishing grade 11, pregnant, and afraid.

I hid my pregnancy from family and friends for six months. Yep, you read that right. Six whole months. Looking back, I can now see how foolish I was trying to tackle something that was so much bigger than myself alone. After revealing my little secret, I had an immense amount of support from my partner, family, friends, and the staff members of my high school. Despite my situation, I knew that I had to finish grade 12, and I had to do it well; after all, my dream of going to Queens did not change. I had to do this not just for me, but for my daughter.

Here I was, finishing grade 11, pregnant, and afraid.

Mybaby girl was born on February 10th, 2018, a few days after the second semesterof grade 12 started. Here I was, tackling life as a new mom with a newbornwhile trying to finish high school. I can’t lie and say that there were notmany times I wanted to give up. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and at somepoints done with life itself. I can say with a great pride that I fought hard, andwas able to walk across the stage at graduation with my head held high, and anhonors rope draped across my shoulders. I did it.

After high school, I took the year off to enjoy life with my little girl. This year, I started a blog called @Raisingalittlehuman, sharing the story of my life as a teen mom. As the months passed, I knew I had to get back into school no matter how much I enjoyed the time off with my baby. I had to give her a life I always dreamed of for myself. I received early acceptance to Carleton, Brock, Laurier, and Ryerson, but I kept refreshing my email every hour in anticipation of my acceptance to Queens. I was thrilled to receive my acceptance and scholarship, but with that excitement came the devastating fact of facing reality. I wanted to go to Queens so badly, but I had to recognize that I am 18 years old with a one-year-old. I would be moving three hours away from all of my family and support, and I had to figure out how to afford rent, school, and daycare. That is a lot of stress weighing on someone's shoulders, let alone a new mom, and an 18-year-old. I started to lean towards Ryerson, thinking it would be the better option to stay nearby. My daughter's father is staying in Burlington to live his dream of being a Pilot. I thought: Maybe I should stay near everyone?

It is not easy to try and give your child the perfect life when you are still trying to navigate through life yourself.

Ialways thought to myself, would I be able to take care of our daughter whilegoing to school? I was feeling an overwhelming amount of "mom guilt."As I was sitting at my computer with tears streaming down my face, with 15minutes left to choose a school, I had an "epiphany" if you will.After spending over a year pouring all of my love and energy into this tinyhuman, I realized that I matter too. My dreams matter, my goals matter, Imatter. After all, I can give my daughter the best life by going to the bestschool in Canada. I took that frightening leap and clicked accept, packed ourbags, and moved to Kingston.

One very important lesson I have learned is never holding anyone back from their dreams. It is hard to be away from my daughter's father, but if it is meant to be, everything will fall into place. As much as we would love to be in the same city, our dreams have taken us to different places. The essential thing to do in a relationship is support each other no matter how hard it might be. I know the future will be good for us, and for our daughter.

After spending over a year pouring all of my love and energy into this tiny human, I realized that I matter too. My dreams matter, my goals matter, I matter.

Beinga student and a mom has come with many struggles. It is not easy to watch yourfriends go to parties while you stay at home. It is not easy to come home froma long day of classes to cook, clean, and care for a toddler. It is not easy tofind time to do your assignments. It is not easy when your child needs youbecause they are sick, and you have to miss classes while watching your taskspile up. It is not easy to try and give your child the perfect life when youare still trying to navigate through life yourself. It is not easy, but it isso damn worth it. I have never felt so much love in my entire life. This is nosimple love. This is the purest kind of love; she loves me for me and nothingmore, I can’t think of anything better than that.

Thistiny human showed me the world through her eyes, a world that isn't as awfuland cruel as I thought it was. She taught me the true meaning of love and hardwork and has helped me find strengths I didn't even know I had. I wish I couldtravel back in time and tell that scared 17-year-old that everything is goingto be okay. My daughter will continue to be my biggest motivation.

In four years, I hope to tackle another obstacle with my daughter by my side: walking across the stage at graduation.

Header Image Source: https://marjxooo.tumblr.com/post/185343656656/ashaleesafraa-m1ho

Tayler Hill Is a Guest Contributor to MUSE.
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