VALENTINE'S VIBES: ME, MYSELF AND I

Feb. 12

For Christmas this year I got the best gift any girl can ever receive… a vibrator. One of my best friends, I’m seriously considering promoting her to my only best friend, based on this gift alone, gave me a little bullet vibrator. Now, I am no stranger to self-pleasure by any means and had been contemplating taking it to the next level by purchasing a sex toy of my own, but I’ve always been a little intimidated and unsure if it would be something I would enjoy. So, when my friend surprised me with this gift, I was slightly shocked; I had never really thought about buying a sex toy for someone else, but holy crap am I grateful that she had a differing opinion. This is now my go to gift for anyone who has yet to explore the world of sex toys. Flashforward a week after receiving this gift from my friend, I bought my other friend a vibrator and she loved me for it. I encourage everyone to start doing this. Forget candles and mugs for Christmas, vibrators and dildos all the way.

As I’m sure everyone is aware, Valentine’s is in a few days. I’m going to go ahead and assume that I am not the only one who will be flying solo for this awful holiday. Given that we’re in a pandemic, I think there are a plethora of single guys and gals out there. Honestly, I’m pretty content with spending this Valentine’s with myself and I hope that everyone reading this is also stoked to be alone this year, because this year is going to be the year to romance yourself… in every way possible. Now I hate to add this, but this guide/ how to/ rant on self-love on Valentine’s is going to lean in favour of the vagina owning folks. Only because I am one of those folks and have little to no knowledge of the ins and out of masturbation with a penis. However, I’m sure the sentiment of this article will resonate with everyone, regardless of your genitals. Before we get into the nitty gritty of my recommended methods of self-pleasure on Valentine’s, I would first love to address the elephant in the room and pay it some respect. Masturbation. Flicking’ the bean. Jerking off. Rubbin’ one out. The list goes on. Masturbation is a pretty taboo topic in the world today, more so than sex and other aspects of sexual health. I think this is because it’s a solo mission. It’s something that is private and you do alone as opposed to sex which you share with another, or multiple other people. To some extent many of our views on sex stem from the archaic notion that sex is meant for procreation; yet as we’ve modernized, its purpose has evolved. I would say we now see sex as attempting to reach the goal of an orgasm. I think, in this sense, we view an orgasm or sexual pleasure in general as something that can only be given to you and not as something you can provide for yourself. This notion mostly applies to women and people with vaginas, as I still believe the mentality surrounding male or penis masturbation is ‘boys will be boys; meaning that men are rarely shamed for their needs or wants, sexual or otherwise, as it is accepted that men masturbate. Male masturbation is something that is not awkward or weird to be brought up in casual conversation. Women masturbating is not a topic that I’ve ever really talked about in mixed company. With my friends, sure, we never shut up about it and I really don’t have a problem speaking about it to other people, it just tends to make others feel uncomfortable. Women continue to suffer through the stigma that masturbation is something shameful or that it means you are unable to find a partner to meet your needs. I could go on about the inequality that women face in regard to something as natural as masturbation, but I’ll stop here. My point is that women need to be bold and speak about their personal sexual pleasure if they feel comfortable, starting conversation and normalizing the subject because masturbation is natural, a key component in sexual health and it’s just awesome. I love that recently there has been an increase in these types of conversations in media and entertainment. I binged the show “Big Mouth” a few months ago and good god, it was amazing. For those of you out of the loop, it’s a cartoon about a group of tweens going through puberty, but it’s like the dirtiest thing I’ve ever watched on Netflix. Though it is a comedy and topics of masturbation are normally brought up in comedic settings, it sheds light on the things that your parents and teachers won’t tell you about sex and masturbation at that age, or ever. I wish there was a show that was that open and honest about sexual health when I was younger; it would have saved me a lot of time. I’ve also seen celebrities begin to endorse sex toy brands. Gone are the days of makeup and perfume lines, we are now welcoming in the new era of celebrity dildos, which I’m not mad about. Most notably, Cara Delevingne has jumped on this trend, collaborating with a sex toy technology company. This move follows the infamous photo of her and her former girlfriend carrying a sex swing into their house. I love that she is embracing this openness about sexual health and sexual pleasure, and I hope it inspires the same in other women. Back to our regularly scheduled programming, the fine art of self-love on Valentine’s. Hopefully all this preaching about female empowerment and the fact that masturbation is the best, has convinced you that it is the only course of action on Valentine’s. What I’ve realized in my many years of meeting other women is that being sexually adventurous does not always mean that you know your body. I know so many girls that, until recently, had never touched themselves, but they do some crazy stuff with other people. Sexual health is so much more than getting screened for STDs or remembering to use protection. It’s also about getting to know your body and figuring out what brings you the most pleasure, because as soon as you know that… you’re GOLDEN! This Valentine’s Day, or any day, doesn’t have to be about wishing you had a partner or practicing for when you do have a partner. It can be about you and trying new things to see what makes you tick. Romancing yourself or having some you time doesn’t have to be a giant production; it can be, but it doesn’t have to be. I mean, you can go the route of taking a long-ass bath with rose petals, having a few glasses of wine, putting on some lingerie and flying first class to orgasm-ville. That does sound fantastic, but there are other methods of travel to the same destination. My ideal night would be ordering a large pizza (just for me), eating like at least half of it, maybe having a White Claw and then going to town with Bob (my vibrator). Bob and I would travel to orgasm-ville multiple times and we’re happy to fly coach. The beauty of whatever you do on Valentine’s is that the only person you have to look good or be sexy for is yourself and if you’re not feeling it, then sweats and porn always do the trick. Now two things that will elevate your night, regardless of your chosen method of self-love, is being alone and getting yourself a Bob (vibrator). If you have the luxury of living alone (which I understand might suck right now) or have magically gotten the house to yourself, capitalize it! Be as loud as possible or maybe be loud within reason so no one calls the cops. I would also recommend masturbating in places you wouldn’t normally: the living room, the kitchen, the laundry room... you get the idea. I find and have heard that being uninhibited when you’re alone makes everything better, I think it makes the experience more fun and freeing. If this is not an option for you and your roommates or family are also in the house, don’t let this stop you. Go to your room, crank some music and have at it. Or the shower is always a fun option. As for sex toys, if you do not already own one, get one; invest in your pleasure and sexual health. You will thank me later. I recommend starting out slow if you’re a beginner, a small vibrator will rock your world (rechargeable and waterproof are best). As you grow more comfortable and discover what turns you on, you can climb the ladder of sex toys, going bigger or louder. The sex toy world is your oyster. There are a million sex toy reviews online if you want some recommendations, but I find that once you start, you start to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. If it’s too late to order one for the special day, don’t worry, your fingers will always be a tried-and-true method of pleasure. Or maybe try to mix it up with a shower-head or a pillow. I think this is all I have to offer in the way of Valentine’s masturbation advice. I could go on for pages about this topic, but I think we’ve covered all the pertinent information. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours of self love and pleasure. I hope everyone spends this Valentine’s getting to know themselves a bit better, opening their minds to normalizing masturbation and broadening the definition of sexual health.