The Urge to Leave Happiness Unopened

Illustration by Meghan Zhang

Back in 2020, at the start of the pandemic, I found myself obsessed with a certain genre of book. Looking back, these books were nothing special, mostly young adult thrillers and whodunits with numerous needless love polygons. That being said, like all things in life, there were undoubtedly some books in this genre that were fantastic works of fiction. Stephanie Perkins’ There’s Someone Inside Your House, and Amanda Panitch’s Never Missing Never Found are still some of the most enjoyable books I remember reading, while Sadie by Courtney Summers is one of the most meaningful books I have ever picked up. In addition to my favourites, there is one book that shows up on most reviewers’ lists for the best books in the genre: We Were Liars by E. Lockhart. That being said, I have a very good reason for not including this book on my favourites list. 

I never read it. 

See, every time I finished a book, I was always scared by the new search for a good book. What if I never found a book that could match up to the one I just finished? So, I kept We Were Liars as insurance. Whenever I could not find a book, when I had finally exhausted the list of books I would like, I would open this book as some sort of last hurrah. This was five years ago now. 

The other day, while I was scrolling on social media, far after the great read of 2020, I saw a massive spoiler for the book in a comments section. This isn’t the first time I have waited too long for something I knew I would enjoy. From saving the last stick of gum for a day my breath is particularly odorous, to saving the last episode of a show for the perfect day to watch it in peace, I sure love saving things for rainy days. 

But the only thing worse than a rainy day is a rainy day accompanied by the knowledge that you didn’t use your sunny days to the fullest. 

I will now never get to experience the payoff from that book, a plot-twist so many have raved about. And in all honesty, I don’t really care. I don’t read that genre anymore, nor do I feel particularly deficient in books on my to-read list. The main lesson I have got from this, if there is one at all, is that sometimes, being strategic and pragmatic isn’t the best way forward. 

Sometimes, you just got to read that book. Or eat that last chocolate. Or watch that one show you’ve been meaning to watch. Because one day, you’ll find that you can’t enjoy those things.