Leave me Alone, But Don’t Force Me To Be
Illustration: Agalia Joithe
When I was a child, the worst punishments often came in the form of four simple words: “go to your room”. No matter the extent I misbehaved, I couldn’t fathom a worse punishment than being forced to spend time alone. Although I would often do anything to avoid it, my bedroom would periodically serve as a sanctuary where I enjoyed being alone. Especially for my teenage-self, where after a long day of trying to fit in at school, its walls would embrace me and remind me it’s okay to be myself. When I willingly chose to be alone in my room, I was able to recuperate and process the day behind me – yet being told to go to my room was often met with frustration and anger.
Pinterest quotes and inspiring TikTok sounds will remind you that a line can be drawn between being lonely and being alone – and this is true. Feeling isolated and devoid of connection doesn’t necessarily mean you are “alone”; even when there are people in your life who show you constant love and support, feelings of loneliness can still linger. It’s a comforting reminder that even when you feel lonely, there are people in your corner, whether that be physically or emotionally, or both. But we cannot ignore that loneliness and being “alone” can, in fact, be closely correlated. While our interconnected world allows for friends and family to keep in touch, the absence of face-to-face connection can undoubtedly increase feelings of loneliness. Loneliness can fester even in the presence of positive and loving external factors – and that’s okay
When I was sent to my room as a child, loneliness tended to dominate. This is a concept we will call passive alone time – the times when you would prefer to be social and engaged, but find yourself ‘stuck’ with your own company. An evening when you’re itching for plans that can’t seem to make it out of the group chat, or doom-scrolling social media as a pass-time. Passive alone time can feel frustrating and even isolating. Whatever forces you to spend time alone often makes you feel lonely in turn. Times like these are far less satisfying than what we will call active alone time. When I would retreat to my room to unwind, do a facemask, or maybe watch an episode of Glee, it felt refreshing and rejuvenating. Think of a morning where you put on your headphones and stroll to your favourite coffee shop, maybe roam around a bookstore. The comfort of your favourite movie after a long day at the library, maybe a tea mug in-hand. Taking a run around your neighbourhood, a drive just for the sake of it, or an hour of creativity. When you pursue a solo activity like these, it is refreshing because you are responding to your inner wants and needs. Active alone time is a choice, and choices are empowering.
As university students, we are often faced with passive alone time come summertime. Many of us move out of student living and return to our hometowns. Simply put – you’re no longer living with your best friends down the hall. Naturally, coming home for the summer means more alone time, and consequently, more passive alone time. For us extroverts, there is a void of that constant youthful company that we synthesize into positive energy. Maybe we’re not being sent to our rooms by our parents, but there can still be frustration and loneliness behind this reality. The social and emotional needs filled by the excitement of university life are longing to be addressed, and this can feel greatly unsatisfying. Peace is hard to find when you’re craving connection. But perhaps, what is satisfying about active alone time is the connection you form with yourself. You check in to discover what would make you feel calm and joyful, and you do those things, alone.
With this idea in mind, can passive alone time be converted into active alone time? The cliches around this concept are far from scarce: “be your own best friend”, “date yourself first” – the list goes on. To me, the solution is found in being purposeful with your own company, even when you’d prefer the company of another. Making small choices to turn your passive alone time into something more purposeful can truly reroute that anguish we feel from the frustration of being alone. If your plans fall through on a weekend, try to view it as an opportunity to catch up on your favourite show, or get that 10-hour-sleep you’ve been craving. Ultimately, active alone time is a privilege, not a given. For many, it is rare to be able to take time out of your day for a fulfilling solo activity. I believe that slowly, the times that we’re alone – without choosing to be – can become some of the most empowering and reflective moments, and they might just teach you something new about yourself along the way.
