“They’re Just a Friend! I Swear!”
Illustration by Meghan Zhang.
I rewatched When Harry Met Sally the other day, and the age-old question asked in the movie stuck with me for a while longer… ‘Can men and women be friends?’ It made me ask, ‘Can you be friends with someone you could date?’
Straight-up? No. Not at this age, at least (mostly regarding those between the ages of 15 and 23.
This isn't limited to male and female friendships. It applies to friendships in general with someone who is eligible to be a significant other, but for argument’s sake, I will mostly be discussing male-female friendships. Now, I asked the same question of multiple other people… mostly to see if it was an insane perspective. Some–most, in fact, responded the same as I did. No explanation needed– you can’t be friends. Others responded saying “yes,” and proceeded to provide me with an extensive list of all the people of the opposite gender or MPS (member-of-preferred sex) that they’re “friends” with. However, upon further discussion about my thoughts, all of them started to change their tune, emphasizing that I had a point they hadn’t considered before. Either I’m the most convincing person in the world, or something I said makes sense–something I will proceed to lay out in the following paragraphs:
I believe that friendships between men and women are never truly platonic. I believe that in friendship, there is always an element of attraction between one or both of the participating parties. It can be romantic or sexual, conscious or unconscious; either way, it resides in most friendships. The idea of a prospective partner always outweighs the idea of a platonic friendship.
In considering a conclusion, there is a semi-extensive list of criteria that constitute and helps to verify the application of this theory to a true friendship between a man and a woman. In all simplicity, it just really depends on how close you are to them. I’m talking about a real, one-on-one friendship. If they’re just part of your friend group, or a friend of a friend, that doesn’t count. Some “friends” are really just classmates whose relationship is established solely for academic purposes, while others are friends based on convenience only–the kinds of friendships that don’t require a discernible amount of effort. I want to apply this to those true friendships that withstand distance, time, and complications. What people often point to as exceptions usually aren’t the kind of real, lasting friendships I’m referring to.
The way I see it, the idea of a prospective partner always gets in the way, or at least forms the basis of most male-female friendships. Not to quote Nietzsche, but even he, as one of the most famous philosophers, discussed how a true friendship required some form of “physical antipathy,” meaning the parties can’t be attracted to one another, as it immediately causes the relationship to go beyond friendship. Through this, some may argue that friendships just exist on the strangers-to-romantic-partners spectrum, functioning only as a step towards finding a significant other. While this view may be somewhat extreme, as it assumes all friendships are ultimately romantic in trajectory, it does offer insight into the persistent stigmas surrounding friendships between men and women, including:
“They’re just a friend” – A common, soul-gripping example is found in the phrase “they’re just a friend,” in which many promptly respond that that statement is a bald-faced lie. Everyone knows that the person of reference is not JUST a friend. Instead, they’re the ones you most have to keep an eye on in relationships, as they know, deep down, there are some amount of unrequited feelings or lingering attraction and want for more lying within that friendship, waiting to crawl out either after or even when one has a partner.
“Guys are only friends with women they find attractive”–While this does not necessarily correlate to attraction directly, there is some validity in the statement. It refers to the idea that in order for males to have female friends, they need to find them attractive, indicating that the friendship IS NOT immediately platonic. However, in other respects, this may also stem from “pretty privilege” in general, where it tends to be economically and socially beneficial to have friends who are widely regarded as attractive individuals, but that’s another story for another time.
“Exes can’t be friends”– Now this is a very big one that may have everything to do with what I talk about in this article. It has come to the point where the phrase is a universal truth. Everyone knows that once you break up, you can’t be friends. That’s just not how it works. As amiable as the break-up may have been, and trust me, I know, it never goes back to being the same. After knowing someone so intimately, it's hard to deny all that and pretend like it was never there. For those who even try to be friends, it emphasizes that their ex is still worth keeping around; the relationship just might not have been right. Just because you break up, however, doesn’t mean that the attraction automatically just goes away. It stays there, and unfortunately, does so just consciously enough to recognise that it is a little weird.
“I don’t want to ruin the friendship”– This phrase follows closely in nature to the previous one. This applies to those who do realize that attraction is core to many friendships. However, like those exes who can’t be friends, they know that once that line is crossed–the one between friendship and more than that–everything changes. Once it is established that there is attraction in the friendship, not to be dramatic, but it typically ruins everything. You can’t look at that person the same way, especially if the feelings are not reciprocated. No one wants to be put in the position where they hurt their friend, and vice versa. A person can only live through unrequited feelings for a very limited amount of time before a decision has to be made.
ANY MOVIE OR TV FRIENDSHIP EVER– This isn’t a stigma per se, and not to say that movies and TV reflect real life verbatim, but it means something when it occurs so often. I always say, once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern. If fictional friendships between men and women so often result in evolution to romance, that says a lot for what could occur in real life. Even if not referring to on-screen romances directly, even the actors portraying the couple aren’t able to differentiate between on-screen romance and off-screen friendship; what hope is there for anyone else?
Now, down to the actual reasoning for this “hot take”. Some people will argue that it truly comes down to basic biology and fulfilling the need to reproduce and Darwinism and whatnot, but I think it goes much deeper. At the end of the day, I believe that it comes down to maturity and the fact that society pressures individuals to find their romantic partner ahead of meaningful friendships. As much as they may want to just have a friend of the opposite gender, for example, more often than not, the idea of fulfilling that expectation always resides in the back of their head. It’s almost like a biological clock, but more relationship-focused than reproduction-wise. This dictates a lot of the behaviour in male-female friendships, where on many occasions, the opportunity for gaining approval from a member of the opposite sex, outweighs anything else. For example, there is the phenomenon that occurs in what I like to call “Placeholder Friendships”. This occurs when friends will often give up their loyalty or basic morals if it means approval from a prospective romantic partner. This often happens, for example, when girls are so boy-obsessed that they disregard their female friendships. Alternatively, it can happen when they get a boyfriend and stop seeing their friends as much in favour of their boyfriend, or even when the topic of discussion revolves around who they’re talking to that week. The conversation never passes the Bechdel Test. I’ve seen the same thing happen for guys. The fulfilment of societal expectations outweighs everything else. It makes me wonder if friendships are even real, or just act as a temporary emotional “placeholder” for the real, more important relationships to come. Time after time, I have seen female friendships suffer because of the appeal of a man. In fact, it has happened to me three times, even once with my so-called “best friend” and my ex-boyfriend. No matter how close we were, or how platonic the breakup was, she decided that the idea of another boyfriend was worth more than our friendship. Sad but true, the majority of people aren’t mature enough to realize how much opportunity there is to meet a significant other; they see others around them do it and think that they’re running out of time. This dictates so much of the social interactions that we have, especially in this day and age, where dating and relationships have become so much more complicated than they were for our parents or grandparents. When you go to a bar, the gym, a cafe, class, or literally just happen to meet someone in public, and they meet the basic expectation of what you look for in a significant other, you don’t immediately think “this person is the perfect candidate for a new friend”. Instead, you mostly consider two options: either romantic or sexual interest, or they’re not worth interacting with at all. People typically “judge the book by its cover” and decide whether they deserve further interaction, and that interaction is typically not platonic, especially when it comes to organic meetings and interactions. I hate to admit it, but I’m guilty of it as well. This even changes for those who have been in relationships before and “fulfilled their duty”. They tend to be able to handle friendships better than those who have not, as their mind is not fixated on fitting in with what everyone else is doing or expects of them. As someone who has had a boyfriend before and just has an inflated sense of emotional maturity, I go to the bar and am satisfied with the fact that I didn’t “pull” someone, or get a guy to hit on me. However, there are so many girls and people I know who can’t live with that. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just a case of different priorities and maturity levels. It changes based on how you were raised and the environment in which you currently reside. I have friends who only talk about dating and their love life once in a blue moon, but I also have friends who only want to talk about their roster.
So, with that being said, I don’t think that men and women can be friends, or you can be friends with a MPS–not right now, when that’s what is most expected of us. Teenagers and those in their early twenties will always be pressured to find their partner because that’s what everyone else is doing. We’re not far enough in our career pursuits or emotional intelligence in general to think otherwise.
Of course, there are always exceptions, and I definitely think that it improves with maturity. For now, I’ve said what I’ve said, but maybe I’ll come back to this when I’m older with new perspectives to add–who knows.