Confessions of A Hinge-aholic
Illustration by Baran Forootan
I am no stranger to the world of dating apps, with my life being a top tier guide on what NOT to do when using them. Fortunately, the suffering that I’ve been through can be transformed into a deep pool of wisdom for others who might be navigating the world of swiping left or right. With this in mind, below are some personal anecdotes of various moments from my time as a dating app addict, and the many lessons I’ve taken away from them. I sincerely hope that this humiliation ritual I’ve brought upon myself will help someone avoid the same mistakes I’ve made.
1. “Is that jawline theirs, or did I see it on TikTok the other day?”
I know that the catfish scare has been burned into our minds since we first developed the ability to create an online account, but trust me when I say that these slippery creatures can be much more difficult to spot than you might think. It feels like just yesterday I was chatting with the fluffiest strawberry blond hair and freckles on Bumble, questioning how on earth I could have managed to catch the attention of someone so adorable. The authenticity of this gorgeously sculpted man never became a doubt in my mind, as I had naively assumed that I was simply too clever to be fooled by such a deception. I mean, how could a catfish create such an intricately specific origin story for themself, right? At the time, it seemed perfectly plausible that a 19-year-old such as himself was a professional dancer that didn’t have any other social media simply because he was “shy”. I think it is safe to say that this guy was not what he seemed, as I quickly found out through another one of his victims that I was one as well. It is important to stay careful when opening yourself up to strangers online, especially in an environment where it can be so easy to fabricate who you are. Fortunately, most dating apps have a feature that shows when a profile has been photo-verified as authentic, but it never hurts to ask the person you're chatting with to send a picture with their pinky up.
2. “We don’t have much in common... but they’re sooooooo cute!”
Listen, sweetie. I know that this person you matched with on Hinge has an impressive vinyl collection and looks like they can lift your car with their hands, but I need you to snap out of it. If I had a nickel for every time I excused a lack of chemistry with a man because he was “just too beautiful to give up on”, I could single-handedly pay DreamWorks to stop making more Shrek movies. It seems almost supernatural how attached we can become to someone simply because we find them appealing on a surface level. We tend to focus so intensely on the superficial aspects of someone we’re interested in, such as appearance or hobbies, that we sometimes ignore the lack of sparks flying. This habit is especially dangerous on dating apps, as the profiles we see only display a small fraction of who people are. It is important to view the bigger picture of who you are talking to, and if the vibes aren’t there, then it is completely valid to explore more meaningful connections.
3. “They’re exactly my type, but they said I’m not theirs.”
A mistake I often see, and one that I continue to make myself, is forgetting that compatibility is a two-way street. From our perspective, someone might seem like they have just popped out of our dreams, but that does not inherently mean the feelings will be reciprocated. A particularly humiliating anecdote from my life harkens back to a first date I went on with a guy from Hinge. By the end of the night, I was convinced that he was everything I had ever wanted and needed in a partner. Tall? Check. Curly hair? Check. Good style? Check. Many overlapping interests? Check. I truly believed that he was sent by some divine entity to finally fulfill all my romantic dreams, making it nearly impossible to process the realization that these feelings were not mutual. It can be dangerously easy to get caught up in the idea of a person, rather than who they are, especially when they seem like a perfect fit for you on the surface. My best advice in these types of situations is to establish open and honest communication. Don’t be afraid to ask whether the person you are interested in feels the same way early on, as it will create more realistic expectations for both of you. While I wish I had been more transparent with them from the start, I’m happy to say that with good communication we have remained good friends.
4. “I’m not very comfortable with this, but I really want them to like me.”
The beautiful thing about dating apps is that they allow us to more easily connect with different types of people that we might not have encountered in our day-to-day lives. With such a large variety of people at our fingertips, however, it is important to remember that everyone is comfortable with different things, especially when it comes to intimacy. Not only is it extremely important to respect the boundaries of the person you are interacting with on a romantic level, it is also important to stay aware of what you feel comfortable engaging in. I’ll be the first to admit that there have been times when I compromised my own comfort simply because I wanted to impress or satisfy the person I was interested in. While I have had many moments that I regret in that regard, they have taught me to be more firm in my boundaries. I’m sure we all understand the feeling of wanting to cross our own lines in the hopes of making someone like us more, but I promise that it is more worthwhile to be with someone who respects your boundaries and likes you just the same. Always remember to take care of yourself when being vulnerable with others!
5. “The guy I went out with last night was lowkey a jerk.”
One of my most horrific moments with dating apps was when I went out with a guy for the first time, and halfway through the date he randomly poked my stomach and wouldn’t explain why. When I brought it up on Hinge the next day, he said it was because he “wanted to see if I was fat”. The fun didn’t end there, however, because what followed was him listing off all the things he didn’t like about my appearance, one of which was the fact that I have leg hair. I had always known that dating apps could be quite a cruel space, but this moment really opened my eyes to the reality of how shameless people could be about it. At first, I had reacted to his words with anger, but over time I realized how pointless it was to allow some random person on a dating app to damage my self-esteem. Of course, everyone is attracted to different things, but that is no excuse to make someone feel bad about their appearance or personality. When someone makes hurtful comments about me on dating apps, I find it helpful to remember that people are like paintings. One person might think that a Picasso piece is unappealing, but that doesn’t take away from the value of the painting or the millions of others who can see its true beauty. Know your worth.
6. “Is it normal to make things official after just a week of talking?
To keep a very long and complicated story short, my first boyfriend and I had only known each other for about a week before we started officially dating (this is a canon event for queer people, don't judge me). Not to mention, we were relatively long-distance and had only interacted through Bumble up to this point. Decisions like these can be hazardous as they are ultimately made in the honeymoon phase when neither person is in a rational state of mind. This rang true about two months into our relationship when I realized just how quickly we had rushed into things, and how unready I was to have a boyfriend. With this realization, I unfortunately had to end things with him and continue to reflect on what I should have done differently. When we start to feel a romantic connection with someone, it can be so easy to get caught up in the emotions and want to fast forward to the labels. As is demonstrated through my personal experiences, however, it would be wise to stop and think more rationally about the pace of your relationship with someone. It’s perfectly okay to take things slow, as you don’t want to commit to something before you truly know what you’re signing up for.
While I have plenty more stories about my experiences with dating apps, I think it’s best to stop here before I lose whatever dignity I might somehow still possess. The great thing about this humiliation ritual is that you can now walk away with slightly more wisdom than you had approximately six minutes ago - or maybe you can take away nothing more than the fact that I need to seek help.