Living Anywhere but the Present
When I was little, my grandfather would host interviews for me and I would pretend to be a pop star named Starlight. I would sing along to Adele songs on YouTube karaoke videos and answer questions about my next big performance. My music career when I was younger did not make it further than a brief news appearance and I lost touch with it along the way. My passion faded with age, but I often feel flashes of grief when I am singing in the car, or when I listen to a song I connect with. I wish I kept trying. I wish I kept learning.
I wish I could still sing.
What if things had gone differently? What if I never stopped singing? What if I channelled my desire to write into writing songs instead of writing articles?
Where would I be now? What would my life look like? How would this change who I am today?
I want to become and do so many things in my life; it seems impossible to accomplish it all within a singular lifetime. I want to be a writer, a biologist, a professor, an artist, a geologist, a lawyer, a doctor, and a chemist. I want to climb Mount Olympus, sail in Northern Norway during the winter, camp in the Patagonia mountains, and visit every country. I want to learn every language, master the skill of cooking, learn to snowboard and ski, try pottery, run marathons, learn to surf, and read every book and poem ever written.
“My bones will ache, and my body will be restless from all the lives I did not live. ”
Time is my worst enemy and my greatest gift. I don’t want to watch my parents grow old, or see my little brothers grow taller than me. I even used to refuse the idea that I would outlive my childhood dog. And I am upset with time for taking her away, but I know that it is a blessing to have had her by my side, and that she lived for as long as she did.
My greatest fear is that life will pass me by and when I am old, I will be consumed with regret for not doing the things I wanted to do. For not doing enough, or for not becoming the person I want to be. Erica Jong, a poet, once said that, “I look forward and see myself looking back,” and I worry that as I age, I will think about everything I didn’t do instead of everything I did. My bones will ache, and my body will be restless from all the lives I did not live.
It’s almost haunting the way I let my mind spin in circles. Worrying about never fully making something of myself, questioning if I am capable, if I am enough. Worrying whether I am completing a task correctly, or if everybody likes me.
And these fears, these worries, have completely taken over the wheel. I don’t make decisions for myself, not really. When I make a choice, my first thought is always ‘how would this affect somebody else’ and ‘what would others think?’ And it sounds like a nice thought to have, or a nice thing to do but it gets so exhausting never putting yourself first and trying to live up to this impossible image that I have created for myself.
I don’t think that I will ever be truly satisfied with life or stop fearing getting old until I step off this stage, this great play that my life is “supposed” to be, filled with dazzling achievements and a gorgeous persona. Until I stop performing for this audience that I have created in my head. Until I stop trying to attain everyone’s love, until I stop being scared to be me.
Until I take back my life and make it my own. Until I take the wheel.
I think that’s what life is really about – loving being yourself. When you love who you are, you can enjoy the journey more authentically rather than focusing on the destination. You can let things come and go the way they are supposed to and remain rooted in yourself.
When you love who you are, you’re free. Free to live for yourself, free to make mistakes, free to change your mind.
You can fail and still move forward.
When you love who you are, these worries and fears will fall to your feet and everything that you accomplish within this lifetime will be more than enough – it will be extraordinary.
When I love who I am, I can forgive myself for not being perfect. When I love who I am, I can recognize all that I’ve accomplished.
When I love who I am, I can see the forest instead of just the trees.
When I love who I am, my life becomes my own instead of everyone else’s.
