Hiding From My Past
I took the long route to go to my favourite café and have been ever since the call. I am en route to transitioning the block button to real life. I avoid coming to this intersection- one with past memories cutting through my mind- but I really needed a book. I’ve been living on an “out of sight out of mind” philosophy but I know if I risk sight, it will resurface in my mind. The bookstore was undecided territory but it always guaranteed rare editions so a visit was long overdue and well worth the risk. As I browse through Type Books’ aisles, I spot a head of hair that seems eerily familiar. With a mind of their own, my legs race to the nearest exit as if programmed for a fire escape route. Peering from out the store’s window displays, I am ashamed to learn that the head of hair in reality belonged to a middle-aged man and that a rare Joan Didion find was sacrificed due to this foolish escape.
These instances aren’t uncommon in our lives. From a reflexive flinch to an impulsive dash, we feel the sudden urge to run when we spot something reminiscent of our past, whether it be an old friend, ex, or even a middle school crush that ended embarrassingly. This often results in anxiety, a surge of reminders, or feelings that would be better buried underground. If they are just a part of our past, why are we so scared of facing them? Why are we so scared of facing our past?
“From a reflexive flinch to an impulsive dash, we feel the sudden urge to run when we spot something reminiscent of our past, whether it be an old friend, ex, or even a middle school crush that ended embarrassingly.”
The fear, in its core, lies in feeling vulnerable in the midst of this unprecedented circumstance and the unknown variables present. It makes one anxious of seeing a past version of themselves and the possibility of undoing the toil of numerous Anything Goes podcast episodes and We’re Not Really Strangers quotes.. Think the Ghost of Christmas Past but even more miserable and insecure.. Or maybe it is the opposite. The vulnerability lies in a lack of readiness or preparedness. You haven’t finished working on yourself, you’re still in your healing era, or you’re just having a bad hair day. Hate to break it to you: you can never be prepared for this scenario. In most cases, it will result in your body freezing, thoughts racing erratically, followed by an action that you’ll regret for weeks to come.
“Sans scientific terms, as human beings we are constantly evolving to adjust and survive to a changing environment.”
The ability to perceive our reaction to any interactions lies within our control. It may sound odd, but I relate it to the theory of evolution. Sans scientific terms, as human beings we are constantly evolving to adjust and survive to a changing environment. In other words, our current version has evolved from our past version, no matter the magnitude of the change. So if I do happen to run into a person from my past that I’d much rather forget, I alter the scenario to spotlight how much I have evolved from my past. The run-in is simply a catalyst to my ongoing evolution. Darwin might’ve even been disappointed in the use of our fight-or-flight response to such perceived “threats.”
Barring any traffic, I arrive at my favourite café much quicker now. I’ve evolved to not fear intersections, library floors, or even bookstores. If I do flinch on natural impulse, I question my stress response system. Emergency exits are expensed largely for real fire emergencies. Joan Didion books are no longer sacrificed in fear of my past.
Header: Katelyn Zeng
