Quality Over Quantity

Illustration by Meghan Zhang

“Dear [Insert name of ex-friend],

I hate you. I hope both sides of your pillow are always warm. You don’t deserve me as a friend. You need to touch grass and go to a therapist. Never talk to me again. I wish I had never met you. Grow up.

Insincerely, 

Your ex-friend.”

This is a sample of a letter that I know we’ve all wanted to send to that friend we thought would be there forever, or at least for a little while longer. If you haven’t experienced this canon event, I envy you and wish you luck!

The phenomenon I’m speaking about is the way friendships fall apart after high school. I knew it was coming; there was no way of avoiding it, but I couldn’t imagine how quickly it came and in the capacity that it did. 

This summer, I lost three major friendships. Each one was unique in situation and person, but they all taught me a valuable lesson about people, relationships, and myself. I’m going to go through each, hoping that by sharing my experiences, I can bring not only closure for myself, but also for those who have, are currently experiencing, or will eventually experience this unfortunate yet eye-opening event. 

1. Does 'Hoes Over Bros' Even Exist?

If the title didn’t give it away, this particular friendship was based around a boy, unfortunate–I know, but still the truth. This was my best friend in high school, one of the few I knew I would keep in contact with no matter what. My literal twin flame. She crossed a line I never expected: getting involved with my ex and keeping it a secret from me for months. Now, honestly, I couldn’t care less about the choice of guy. He’s not in my life anymore; his choices are his choices. The betrayal was worse. How could my so-called best friend do what she did and continue to lie to me about it for months? Through FaceTime calls, birthday visits, and summer plans, I continued to believe that this was someone I could trust wholeheartedly. As much as I had wanted it to be different, I was proven wrong. I was shocked yet unsurprised. Part of me was even relieved. Like I’d been holding onto something that had already started to unravel. It all happened so quickly, one minute I was planning our next hangout, the next she was blocked on every platform I could think of. I was angry, I was tired, I just wanted out. My first thought was to ghost her, but communication was something I was working on, and as much as I didn’t think she deserved it, I sent a text explaining what I knew and how it made me feel. Maybe she didn’t deserve that clarity, but I did. I made a decision that was best for me, and if it meant losing one friendship, but meant not being hurt again, I had to take it. Quick and easy, like ripping off a Band-Aid. 

2. The Irish Exit

I’m lost. I’m still so lost. This happened to me right when we got home from Winter exams. My best friend since we were 12. A girl who made me laugh, who I spent cottage trips with, who wasn’t always the best, but that’s okay because we’re all still growing. Okay, I may be romanticizing the friendship a bit. In hindsight, looking back now, some things could be improved upon. I was willing to work on it, though! We were cool until we weren’t. One day, she just stopped talking to me. No answers to texts, DMs, voicemails, phone calls…(I’m going to stop there before I look too desperate) But truthfully, I was! I racked my brain for what could have possibly gone wrong. Was it something I did? Something I said? Maybe something that I didn’t do? Nothing. My mind was blank. There had to be something, anything I could do to rectify the situation. There had to be. And if there was, I was ready to throw out every ‘double text’ rule and what was left of my dignity. I wanted to blame myself. I must have done something so horrible that my friend had no choice but to cut off communication with me…but could keep me on her private story, post TikToks, and view my Instagram stories. So, how deep was the issue? Not very deep, I guess. But who knows? Maybe that’s just life. I did my part; she didn’t want to do hers. It took me a long time to learn and be okay with that. I’m still learning. Life doesn’t end when friendships fail. As badly as I want to know the reason, or pray that she suddenly grows up and replies to my next text message, I can’t expect more. At some point, I have to choose myself over lowering my standards to fill the silence. Closure, while nice, isn’t promised. 

3. The Long Goodbye

This one didn’t end with a blowout fight or dramatic final text. It just… fizzled. I reached out, and she said she was busy. I tried again: same answer. Maybe I wasn’t taking the hint, but again, this was one of my closest friends. There was no bad blood until there was. Location: off. Streak: lost. Texts: unanswered. I was livid. Did a close friendship through thick and thin mean absolutely nothing? Reduced to being ghosted because I just couldn’t take the hint. The age gap never felt so big as it did then. What happened to communication? Are we 12? Was I the only one who thought I at least deserved a proper goodbye? I knew the friendship was long over, but I thought all it took was to see each other again to salvage it. I felt like I was talking to a wall. So I said something. I was convinced that she wasn’t mature enough to say something, to admit that she was being a jerk. But to my surprise, she replied the next morning. She admitted to being a jerk and allowing the friendship to go one-sided, and that she was still okay with being on “good terms”. Well, good for her, because I’m not. She knew she was hurting me and couldn’t care less. Frankly, that’s someone I don’t want near me, no matter the history.  Loyalty doesn’t mean compromising your self-worth. This friendship taught me that effort has to go both ways. Sometimes, people are only meant to be in your life for a chapter, and that’s okay. It sucks, but it’s okay.

So where does that leave me now? Appreciating the friends I do have… and being a little more cautious. Even relating to my friends from the first year. I’m not sure how long that will stick around. I grew insecure and always second-guessed my place, leading to more awkward interactions than I would like. Were they welcoming me into their group because they wanted me there? Or was it just because I lived across the hall? At the end of the day, I’ll never really know. What I do know is that I don’t have to drive myself insane over it. ‘Did they leave me on delivered because they don’t like me, or their phone died? Was there a reason no one reached out to me during Canada Day weekend?’

BLAH BLAH BLAH. It may be a little harder than I thought it would be, but I’ll survive. 

Friendship breakups aren’t talked about enough. We mourn the end of romantic relationships like it’s expected, but we’re supposed to just move on when a best friend becomes a stranger? Truth is, friend breakups can be just as devastating, if not more. Not to rely on statistics, but people on average keep one or two friends from high school, same with university (depending on where life takes you). Life shifts, people grow apart, and it doesn’t mean you failed. Look at all our favourite shows! Friends takes place in the characters' late 20s. Sex and the City takes place in their 30s! Why dwell on little issues when I have my whole life ahead of me? Yes, my friendship circle is a lot smaller than I expected, but that’s okay! I’m in such a major transition in life, where friends are the most important to me, but also a time to explore my values and apply them. I’m not going to keep my first-year friend group forever… and that SUCKS, but we live and we continue. This is the time to explore and determine who makes up “our people”. It may not look like what I imagined, and it may take a while to get there, but I’m learning to be okay with that. And honestly, I’m excited for the journey!

So my advice for anyone experiencing the same thing:

Yes, put effort into your friendships. Show up, be kind, and be real. But also remember: if a friendship ends, it’s not the end of your world. It’s just life. People come and go. What matters is that you keep growing, stay true to your values, and leave space for the people who are meant to find you.