I went to Therapy for 10 years
Disclaimer: This article is about the author’s experience with therapy, and she’d like to reiterate how lucky she feels to have been able to have access to therapy. “I have parents who are supportive, and who allow me to use their insurance plan to cover the (otherwise very expensive) cost of therapy. I recognize this as a privilege, and I know not everyone has these resources at their disposal”. This article discusses personal and possibly triggering topics such as trauma, death, and therapy. The author would like to encourage those who may be negatively affected by such themes to read with care. A series of resources is included at the end of this article for those who wish to access them.
I have been in therapy on and off since I was eleven years old; over a decade of my life.
Initially, going to therapy was to help me navigate the social qualms that come with being an awkward preteen. I recognize how privileged I am to have had access to therapy, but also support from both my parents; not everybody gets that lucky.
Therapy is something I have continued to find important in my adult life. I have seen two different therapists throughout my university experience–and after each session, I learn something new about myself. I look forward to my 50-minute Zoom session every two weeks.
But it hasn't always been like that.
I think there are a lot of misconceptions about therapy. Although I know some people say it doesn't work for them, I do think there is a therapist for everyone – sometimes the first one (or even the first three) you see just isn't the right one for you. It can be a grueling process trying to find a good fit, don't get me wrong, I completely understand. Although, I think it is so worth it in the long run.
Sometimes we define people by their profession rather than their personhood. My therapist is a mother, a wife, a friend, and a human being who has lived through many of the same experiences I have. She finds subtle ways to remind me that she is a person too. I have seen five different therapists for varying lengths of time, but the one I have now is the only one that has been willing to reveal these aspects of her identity to me. Knowing about her, and who she is has made it easier for me to be vulnerable. My therapist paints herself to me as someone who has been through my experiences – talking to her feels like talking to an older friend. She doesn’t look down on me, she doesn’t patronize me, she just listens to me and provides helpful insight on the situation I am presenting her with as an outsider looking in. I don’t know everything about her, and she doesn’t know everything about me. We both learn about and from each other in every session.
When I tell someone I have been seeing a therapist for the last ten years of my life, I am usually met with one of three responses: “why?” or “what is left to talk about?” or “you don’t seem like you need therapy”. The third response bothers me a lot, because what does a person that needs therapy seem like? If you can come up with defining characteristics for someone who seems like they need therapy, I’d like to ask you to reflect on why you were able to. There is no “perfect candidate” for therapy. Anyone can and should go – everyone can use a non-biased listener.
The thing most people fail to understand is that therapy is something that helps slowly over extended periods of time. In the beginning, it can be hard to measure progress or feel any different. I am sure you have heard this comparison before, but it is like going to the gym. You don’t see or feel results the first time you go but if you go for a few months, suddenly you’re looking back on a different person. Admittedly, it can be hard to feel like you’re making progress when you’re so wrapped up in the chaos of day-to-day life. However I can’t overstate that being forced to sit down and confront your feelings for an hour a couple of times a month can provide more mental clarity than I could explain in a 1,000-word article.
“it can be hard to feel like you’re making progress when you’re so wrapped up in the chaos of day-to-day life.”
The most recent lesson I learned in therapy is that cliché saying “no feeling is final”. I say it’s cliché for a reason. 2021 was a really hard year for me, specifically the last half. On top of navigating the feelings of sadness, dark gloomy November weather brings on, I was at the height of grieving a friend that had died over the summer. I was dealing with some very tense social and moral dilemmas, I was trying to pass my midterms, I was trying to juggle platonic and romantic relationships, I was being rejected from countless jobs and club positions I was very passionate about, and to really top it all off, both of my childhood dogs died. At the time I felt like nothing was going to get better. I remember feeling like nothing I was doing in an attempt to help myself was actually helping. I was going to therapy, I was using the coping mechanisms I learned in therapy; I was spending time with friends, getting dressed in the morning, and forcing myself out of bed, but it felt like everything just kept getting worse…until one day, everything was better.
Obviously, now I know the things I was doing to help myself were actually working despite it not feeling that way at the time. Each of the situations that made me feel like the world was ending came to a resolution: although grief never ends, learning how to manage it and live with it becomes easier. I made the right choices in navigating my moral dilemma, and the situation more or less resolved itself. I passed all my midterms. I maintained my friendships and made new ones along the way too. Now I have two jobs, and each of them fulfills a different part of me and both of them have brought some of my closest friends into my life.
In my last session, my therapist told me she was proud of me (words every person in therapy hopes to hear from their therapist at some point in their therapy journey). She began reflecting on our sessions from this time last year, and she pointed out that I got through all the things that were so soul-crushing at the time. I have lived through the hardest parts of my life, so I am capable of doing it again if I need to. No feeling is final, so we shouldn't treat our feelings like they are. This is a conclusion I would not have been able to accept with my other therapists, because they were just not the right fit for me.
So, my answer to the people that question why I have been in therapy for so long, is that it has taken me ten years and five different therapists to find the perfect one for me. The last decade of my life has been dedicated to gaining a better understanding of myself and while some of the therapists I have had in the past were not the ones for me, they have still contributed to my understanding of myself. There is so much you don’t know about yourself yet, and you can discover those aspects of your identity with any therapist – the part that takes time is finding your therapist. If you have been looking for a sign to ask for help, let this be it. I went to therapy for ten years, and you should too.
Author’s Note
If you are someone who shares the same privilege as me and has parents who are supportive and willing to let you use their insurance plan to cover the cost of therapy, but you are unsure how to find a therapist, I suggest using Psychology Today. Psychology Today allows you to search for therapists and use filters to find one that meets your criteria.
If you are someone who is interested in seeing a therapist as a Queen’s student, I wanted to be able to direct you to various resources we have on campus that are included in your student fees! By paying your student fees, you will have access to free counselling through Student Wellness Services. We have access to three different therapists and appointments can be booked via their emails or phone numbers through this link.
Yellow House is another amazing resource for marginalized students on campus. The work done by the administrators at Yellow House strives to provide students with a comfortable and accountable space for marginalized students on campus to feel safe, to be empowered, to establish a sense of community and celebrate these aspects of identity. The offer a variety of services to aid Queen’s students in their time on campus.
Student Wellness Services also offers a variety of free or low-cost group sessions with a target focus – they run workshops for students (including but not limited to) dealing with anxiety and depression, students who are working on their relationship with food and students who have experienced sexual violence.
If you are a student that has opted out of the fees for financial reasons, or if you are not a Queen’s student, I also wanted to be able to point you in the direction of low-cost/free mental health assistance online.
A great resources is Better Help. Better Help offers therapy plans for as low as $60 a session, which is significantly cheaper than the alternative. Although it is not a free service, it is much more financially accessible for those who do not have access to an insurance plan.
If you are looking for a free mental health resource, Wellness Together is a great resource for Canadian citizens. They offer a variety of different supports – after a short intake form they will match you with the type of help best suited for you. This could be peer support with someone who has gone through a similar issue, or a chatroom with someone who can direct you to more specific resources for whatever it is you’re needing help with in that moment.
These are just a few of the resources I have discovered that could be helpful to someone who does not have access to the same level of privilege that I do. Help is always there.
Header by: Sam Andersen
